When the roll is called...

I don’t think about death too often; in fact, I can probably count the number times on one hand, but recently pondered death for a bit. I think it is a healthy thing to do as long as death is not the continuing thought. One should remember one’s mortality in order to appreciate life and live.

I thought of death when I enlisted into the Air Force Reserve. I was to enlist just before 9-11 but was held up by some paperwork, then after 9-11 had to think, we are at war, am I ready to do this and possibly die? I enlisted.

I thought of death when I was told that my tuberculosis skin test was positive. I know that people do not die from TB much anymore but I was just beginning life with Mal and didn’t want to think about death when life only seemed to be beginning.

I think of Mal dying once in a while. He is older than I am and the chance is he will die before me. I read in a marriage book that you should mourn the death of your partner together while you are both alive. That way you do not miss the opportunity to say, “I will miss you.”

But I thought of me dying this week. I was sitting in the clinic in a great deal of pain from an outer ear infection. I first was thinking of the purpose of pain; to signal to the brain that something is wrong. But as I thought, I decided that pain for many of us may need to be part of death. As I sat there in pain, I thought if God tapped me on the shoulder at that moment and said your time on earth is up, I would have readily gone. The pain would stop. I desired that. I know that God is not tapping but at the same time recognized I was ready and not afraid.

I am not sure that once the pain stops I will be able to say the same thing. Once life is pain free, I am not sure I will feel the same way about dying; I will not be ready to die, I will desire to live. So maybe I will need a bit of pain to encourage me to my eternal home. Maybe…